Observations From the Beach

While sitting 'neath a big ole beach umbrella on our recent trip to Destin, FL, many things flitted through my rather nimble, airy mind. Take these observations for what they are worth, though some could be quite invaluable to those without an inner voice.

• Ladies, (and I use the term rather loosely), who are of a certain *ahem* weight, do not need to wear bikinis. Ever. Especially not in the presence of others who do not love them for who they are. How is this to be determined? If you have to ask yourself "Should I wear this?" the answer is no. If you don't ask yourself this, you are an idiot.
• Men with back hair really, really need to evaluate the trauma this may inflict on others. Hair removal is not all that expensive and it's worth it.
• Men should never, regardless of sexual orientation, wear leopard print swim trunks. Ever. I mean it.
• If you've got fake boobs, don't think you are fooling anyone. These things are easier to spot than a blimp over a football field. I'm not saying don't get them, but don't think we all don't know how those perfect little globules of silicone got there.
• Naked children? Cute in the privacy of your own home. Not so cute elsewhere.
• Tattoos are glorious expressions of your inner being (or something). They are not so glorious once you've gained weight and they have stretched. Keep it in mind when you decide to get inked. You need to select the area for the tattoo very, very carefully because you aren't always going to look like you did at age 21. Trust me.
• Never, whatever you do, consider getting a tattoo of a spinal column down your spinal column. It's not attractive and might just scare small children.
• If you're going to read on the beach, be kind enough to hold your book where I can see the cover. I love to know what everyone else is reading.
• Be aware that if you choose to play beach volleyball, and you really suck at it, someone is probably watching you from their balcony and laughing. And laughing.
• Smoking is not attractive and never more so than on the beach. Nothing ruins a beautiful body quite like the lighting up of a cancer stick. Not to mention the smell and smoke you are inflicting on everyone else.
• Full body wetsuits are, in general, not standard beach attire for just sunbathing. Far from actually hiding any faults, you've now really piqued my interest as to what you feel must be so covered up. I'm going to stare at you until I figure it out.
• Dads who play with their kids always make me smile. Love it when they jump into a pool and try to splash the dickens out of unsuspecting daughters. Keep up the good work.
• I have to wonder at those people who bring what seem to be all of their earthly beach supplies to the beach/pool, take 15 minutes to set up and oil down, then disappear 10 minutes later, taking all said equipment with them? What's that about? ADHD at the beach? Take your meds and relax.
• Likewise, the mother of two rather small children who headed to the beach at the exact same time a rather ominous cloud was pushing in and the lifeguards were telling everyone to leave the beach? And she didn't--she just took those two kids right on into the ocean. Hello?

There may be more points of interest that will spill forth from my ever tumbling brain so stay tuned. Consider this your PSA for the day. :)

~taminator40